"Becoming isn't part of history; history amounts only to the set of preconditions, however recent, that one leaves behind in order to become, that is to create something new." -Deleuze
How do we remember? How do we forget? Where exactly is remembering located? How does our body remember?
So I am not literally running from myself if you will. The title of the post comes from a thought I had last night on a run. I have not run much in the past few years, instead relying on the cliche line I was a runner to justify who I used to be and who I could become should I want to. But after weeks of feeling that cool dark cloud of anxiety, sadness and pessimism descending upon me I found it time I better start running from who I am at this moment, to become who I want to be...running as my means of turning negative thoughts and emotion into positive energy with a little help from those exercise induced endorphins.
Running. My escape. My chemical of choice. After more time off then I care to admit, i laced up the shoes, threw on the IPOD and went for a run in the cool spring heat of davis. The instant I stepped out the door, memories of who I was quickly surged through my body. My muscles knew exactly what to do, my heart followed and my body was overwhelmed with the sense of confusion, it remembered in a way the runner I was while simultaneously giving into the runner I currently am, not quite as fast, or able to run quite as far. BUT that feeling was still there, in every step, cool sweat poring down in the evening heat, music blaring I felt alive, I felt happy and I felt content. The memory of runs long gone passed through me, the experiences, the highs the lows, it was all there memories unleashed with every foot strike. Blazing through streets (blazing being a relative term), I suddenly felt more of who I want to be and less of who I am. With every step my mind dropped the annoying academic debates running through my head, it dropped the anxiety, it dropped the doubt, it just was at that moment free to roam, to be to become. Mere chemicals, molecules flooding the brain as a result of the run changed my outlook, and gave me new perspective. Running reminded me that I am simultaneously not my past, and a product of my past all at the same time. It also reminded me that with every journey we start anew. I am not the runner I was, I may never be, but once I drop that sense of history I can become something new, a new me, a new runner, a new thought. So what is becoming? Its letting go of who you were, who you feel you have to be, and realizing that to create something new you need simply to act in the present.
