what would you do if you had no fear

brace yourself for a little sappy new age feel good thought experiment...so i am reading this book "what would you do if you had no fear" and i thought this is an interesting idea to think through idealistic or not. the first step then is to think of the things you fear. these fears if you think about them will gurantee that you what you fear will come true. the idea then is if you air your fears, somehow rid yourself of their power then there will be more space for positive thoughts, aspiration and action. as i spend far too much time worrying and fearing i think i should start to air them, whether you find them here on this blog or not is inconsequential, the point is i let them out of my mind. so here goes what will be very long and continually updated list..at some point ill move on to what i would do if i had fear for now some fears....
I FEAR
-not seeing all of the gorgeous places i dream of seeing
-not finding satisfaction in my work
-i will spend so much time making decsions that i wont have any time left to live the decsions
-i will miss my little brother grow up
-i won't see my siblings as much as i want to
-i will lose the people i love and they will die not knowing how much they meant to me
-my own potential. it stares at me, demands of me and yet i wonder if i can answer it
-what will happen when i truly commit myself to something (among other things this PhD)
-being stuck
-that i will be bored when i figure it all out
-the very stability i crave
-that i will die without having lived every day i have been blessed with
-that i will never be content with any decsion i make
-being content
-being alone
-the safety of school

slowing it down

a new book out there has been reccommended to me, i have not picked it up yet, but it is called In Praise of Slow and talks about the merits of slowing things down in a world that is obsessed with speeding things up.

check out the blog: http://www.inpraiseofslow.com/slow/blog.php

and here is a quote

"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save."

what is retirement then if we rushed all of our decisions to get there, taking jobs we dislike, working extra hours to build 401 k's and neglecting ourselves in the hope that when we arrive at the magical age our "self" will still be there and will have all the time in the world to do all the things we want, except that we have lost our passion, creativity and dreams to life in pursuit of retirement.

how do you recall experience without images to remind you of an instant

finding one's way back

its late. i need to sleep but i also want to think about a recent quote I saw and think through it, so ill put the quote out now and think through it later...."philosophical problems have their beginnings in the feeling of being lost in an unfamiliar place, and philosophical answers are in the nature of finding one's way back." (From Veena Das' reading of Wittgenstein). In finding our way back, we also seem to be finding our way forward. Sorting through the past, interrogating it, making sense of it, understanding it, misunderstanding it, constructing, deconstructing. Maybe it is only once we have found our way back that we can move forward. It seems the past allows us to formulate the very philosophical answers that will guide our present. This relationship to the unfamiliar is also interesting. The unfamiliar distresses, challenges and yet shapes and forms that which we will become.

past reflections surfacing in present emotions

While I want this blog to be many things I feel it often fixates on the loss of my mom. I don't intend to end that strand with this post, but feel maybe speaking my thoughts to an unknown audience may be just what I need. Perhaps I in writing to an unknown reader I am only making sense of this world for myself. Or maybe someone else will read this random accumulation of memories and see a theme/strand or insight I did not anyway...

Today I had a random memory of a conversation I had with my mom. 2 weeks before she passed way she called me to tell me that one of my aunts had died. While not unexpected no one thought she would go so fast. My mom I remember requested I send a card to my cousin consoling her on the loss of her mom. I remember telling my mom how weird it seemed to send a card to console some one, and that it all just didn't seem real. I don't really remember the exact conversation but I know my mom focused on just sending the card to let my cousin know I was thinking of her, whether it made "sense" or not. Truth is I don't remember if I sent the card or not, nor did I think 2 weeks later I would lose my own mom. I never thought much of the conversation until just recently and how weird the timing was. I guess you never know whats just right around the corner. The thought of losing my mom seemed so distant in that conversation about my cousin's loss. I'm sure in speaking with my mom I envisioned having her around for many years, and the loss of a parent was not anything I thought would affect me for a very long time. Life's twists and turns are odd, especially when reflected on. I guess as one fairly infamous boxer so aptly put it "everyone has a plan till they get punched in the face." I guess you never know how your plans and the punches life throws at your plans will match up...maybe we just have to be happy we are still in the ring to take another hit and enjoy those brief moments we are not getting hit.

some random christmas pics

1-me and matt

2-me, matt, gramps, uncle neil

3- the cousins

leaving NY

Tearful farewells
A return to normalcy?
The sinking sensation
That it is always farewell
And never normal