"to experience real agony is something hard to write about,
impossible to understand while it grips you; you're frightened out of your wits,
can't sit still, move or even go decently insane.
and then when your composure finally returns and you are able to evaluate the experience it's almost if it had happened to somebody else,
because look at you now:
calm, detached, say cleaning your fingernails looking through a drawer for stamps
applying polish to your shoes or paying the electric bill
life is and is not a gentle bore." -War and Peace by Bukowski
Four years. Four years I have not sent you a card, called you, talked to you on Mother's day.
And I know I am blessed, my life is good, very good in fact.
But still I can't help but feel the pain on this day.
At one point I was in agony, life was sharp, painful and urgent, I was frightened.
Slowly though, normalcy has crept back into my life
And I look at myself, as I get lost in mundane tasks, caught up in errands.
And I sometimes long for that pain I feel today
That pain is all I have left, and without it the slow pace of normalcy
slowly evaporates my last link to that past.
I wish I could remember in a different way,
but now it seems that the only way this seems real is if I
bury my head in arms, dig my feet deep into the sand and scream out into the ocean
Scream for all the pain, scream for for how much I miss you
Scream at how normal things are.
Curse the everyday for the moment, and ask to feel again just for one moment
That deep, soul aching agony that reminds me of all I have lost
Tomorrow I can smile and remember you in fondness, but today
it seems too much. All I want to do is cry, and scream and touch that urgency.
Somehow I feel that if I can't feel your hug, then I want that deep dark sadness
Because that is as close as I can come to you right now.
